2:50 PM December 8th 2009... This is me.

I've been finding it hard to determine whats real life and whats imaginary. Everything I've done has been another simple attempt at escaping the real life we are all suffering from like if it were a sickness. Its been hard to find the good things life has to offer when it seems to be offering more skepticism and cynicism and horrifying actualities its just a pain in the heart. How can I adjust to these times when I've been so used to living this imaginary safe life that has provided some sense of stability till now. I need to break free but I don't know what is holding me down I need to move on but I don't know in which direction. Its hard for me to see my future the way I used to as a child its seemed so believable and reachable then but when you are standing at the doorstep of your future its hard to believe that door will open no matter how hard you knock. The word pessimistic cannot define my mood when the feeling of failure feels so true. I preach optimism and hold on to the smallest bits of happiness hoping it can fuel me day by day buts its just becoming so so so so hard to understand and harder to explain.