More death, Tio Carlos, who is next. All of it seems to be getting to me. No one is off limits and everyone will eventually die. I am not scared to die at any moment but. My grandparents are old and have chronic illnesses. My parents are getting older and they are obesse and have chronic illnesses. I am soon to be 23 and I am obesse. Now what. I know that people of my wait with the history of illnesses in my family don't get to live that long. It is a very scarry thought. I find it even scarrier that I know these things and that in my head and in my heart I want to change yet I have not. It is really time to change I want to be 215 it was the happiest I ever was before Christina. She gave me new life but 350 just is not fair to or me. My hands are trembeling and my eyes water just thinking about this i feel so overwhelmed because I want to get rid of 135 in a day and I know I cant. Its all just gotten so old even to me. The things I say but don't do. The things I do but dont finish. The things I finish but don't work. Its all just so goddamn old.

I want a hair cut, I want a shave and I want a tailored suit. I want a career, I want a house, I want a car that doesn't overheat and I want MY wife. I am tired of this just so fucking tired.

I am literally weighing myself down.